Boris and Ken, Johnny and Joe

Excellent news!  The campaign for the mayoralty in London is set to be a dirty, no holds barred fight between two men,  Boris Johnson and Ken Livingstone,  who really, really hate each other.  The real issues facing Londoners are unlikely to get much of a look in; this is going to be personal, and it's going to be nasty, which should be great fun for those of us who don't actually have to live in the Great Wen.

In the red corner, meet Ken Livingstone, a man who has already served a term as mayor and has been close to the apex of London politics since the days of Margaret Thatcher.  Ken once attempted to explain the apparent inconsistency between his old-style socialist views and his expense account lifestyle by comparing himself with the French Revolutionary hero,  Georges-Jacques Danton.  It's possible that Ken doesn't know that Danton finished up with his head in a wicker basket,  after an encounter with the guillotine.

Over in the blue corner, we find Boris Johnson, the incumbent. (Note to non-UK readers: yes, that is his real name, though he has various other given names in reserve -- his full name is Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson).  Old Etonian Boris thinks it's a good idea to reach out to the voters in one of the most polyglot cities on earth by regularly lapsing into one of the few languages that almost none of them speak: Latin.

In Ken's favour, he has no ambitions except to be mayor of London, though many voters who lived through his previous tenure in the job might feel that even that is well beyond his abilities.  Boris, in contrast, sees the London job as a stepping-stone toward his real ambition: he wants to be in pole position if and when things fall apart for David Cameron in Downing Street. Boris and the PM are both Old Etonians, but there is little old school solidarity between them.

There is one ambition that unites Boris and Ken: they're both desperate to be in the mayor's job when the Olympics come to town in July.  Ken was mayor back when the Olympics were awarded to London in 2005, while Boris was in the job at the time of the Beijing Games, presiding over the rather tawdry handing-over ceremony at the end of that Olympiad.  Both apparently find the lure of being the one to introduce Chas and Dave to the world at the London opening ceremonies impossible to resist.  (Another note to non-UK readers: you may want to think twice about opening that link!)

Those opening ceremonies are apparently going to feature performances by big names from British pop music over the years (which probably excludes Chas and Dave).  One name that won't be there, however, is Johnny Rotten: the Sex Pistols have turned down the invitation.  As a result, the punk era will probably be represented by Joe Strummer and The Clash.  One of their best known tunes, London Calling, apparently commends them to the organisers as an obvious choice. This can only mean that none of the organisers has actually listened to the apocalyptic lyrics. Sample:


The ice age is coming, the sun's zooming in
Engines stop running, the wheat is growing thin
A nuclear error, but I have no fear
'Cause London is drowning, and I live by the river

And why stop there?? After the opening ceremonies, maybe we can get Paul Weller to head to the site for the shooting events down at Bisley, and strike up the equally inappropriate Eton Rifles -- but only, of course, if Boris Johnson wins the mayoral election.