"Worthwhile Canadian initiative"

So you're actually reading this, are you? That's a relief, but also a bit of a surprise. A good number of years ago, The New Republic ran a contest to find the dullest newspaper headline, the one least likely to induce you to read the associated article, and the winner was, yes, "Worthwhile Canadian initiative".

Maybe it's time for TNR to re-run the contest, because the last few weeks have produced some Quite Interesting Canada-related stories, not all of them reflecting well on the Great White North. The appalling riots that took place after the Vancouver Canucks lost a hockey match have already been done to death, so let's start with the business pages. (Just as an aside, though, what sort of team nickname is "Canucks"? It's like calling a team "Manchester Limeys" or "Paris Froggies").

Anyway, yesterday the London Stock Exchange (LSX) abandoned its friendly takeover bid for the Toronto/Montreal equivalent, TMX, in a move that appears to confirm Canada's chosen role as the most xenophobic country, business-wise, in the developed world. The bid had prompted a group of Canadian financial institutions to wrap themselves in the gaudy national flag as "Maple Group" and launch a counter offer, muttering darkly about the threat to Canada's financial sovereignty. The shamelessness of this beggars belief. The Canadian banks backing Maple Group have all been enthusiastically expanding in the US; Canadian pension funds, also behind the Maple bid, have been acquiring all sorts of assets in Europe, notably in the UK, without any impediment.

Although TMX management had accepted the LSX bid, it had become evident that the necessary two-thirds approval by existing shareholders would not be forthcoming, so LSX has swallowed its pride and walked away. It's not clear what will happen next to TMX. It has never been keen on the Maple Group deal, and local regulators have started to express concerns over its competitive implications, as it would control 80% of equities dealing within Canada. Most likely a deal will get done, however; with global bourses in a consolidation mode, failure to do the deal now might well bring to the table another foreign suitor, one that might be even less palatable to delicate Canadian sensibilities than LSX.

Poor old LSX was scared off without the Ottawa government even getting involved, but of course, just last year the government did stir itself to torpedo the planned acquisition of Potash Corp. by the multinational BHP Billiton. The Canadian media seem remarkably relaxed about all this, and the usual justification is being trotted out: that Canada needs to safeguard its sovereignty in the face of its noisy and assertive southern neighbour. Well maybe, but it's hard to see how that applies in dealing with approaches by the LONDON Stock Exchange or BHP Billiton, whose long-standing nickname is "Big Australian".

And here's an interesting thought. Maple Group has hinted that if it gets control of TMX, it might look at some acquisitions of its own. There's not a lot out there, so what price a cheeky bid for LSX? If it happens, one can only hope that the UK offers the traditional Canadian welcome, best expressed by the long-defunct comedy duo Bob and Doug Mackenzie: "Take off, ya hosers!"

Another hoser who may also get told to "take off" is our old buddy, Conrad Black, now back in the hoosegow after being resentenced in a Chicago courtroom. He's to serve a further thirteen months, and immediately he's released he will be expelled from the US as a foreign felon. Apparently he'd like to return to Canada, which is where he was born and has lived for almost all his life. But there's a problem: Black renounced his Canadian citizenship in order to accept a British peerage, so Canada has no obligation to take him back. In fact, it would be a breach of current Canadian immigration rules to let him into the country, given his criminal record.

So Black may be forced to up stakes and move to the UK, though there'd be another problem if he did that. As a convicted felon, he would surely risk being stripped of his precious peerage. You could argue that it couldn't happen to a nicer guy, but hey, cut Conrad a break -- he's always good value on a slow news day.

Riots! Rampant xenophobia! Displaced and disgraced peers! Still think Canada's boring? Well, take off, ya hoser!