"Jab a kid, save a granny"

Up until the last few days, I had believed (or at least hoped) that bird flu might be the biological equivalent of the millenium bug: a lot of expensive fuss and elaborate preparation that ultimately turns out to be a damp squib. We had better hope and pray that I am right about this, because the performance of all the key players in this month's UK outbreak of the H5N1 virus has been pretty disheartening. Consider:

* the Bernard Matthews company has made every effort to avoid any responsibility for the outbreak. At the outset it asserted that it had been caused by wild birds, even though there had been no signs of any infection in the UK before it was discovered at the processing plant. It imported poultry meat from Hungary, a known area of bird flu infection, after the outbreak was discovered -- and, we learn today, has exported some from the UK infected area back to Hungary, exploiting a loophole in the regulations. Media reports suggest that it only agreed to desist from this when it was threatened with the withdrawal of all of its products from UK stores. The UN apparently believes that the main mechanism for transmission of the H5N1 virus is the transportation of live birds, rather than the migration of wild ones. Having seen Bernard Matthews' performance in the past two weeks, I'm not surprised. Still, I imagine that market forces will ensure that the company pays the price. Bernard Matthews (the man) must be wishing that he had not decided to blazon his own name on all his company's products.

* the Government has in effect colluded with the company by sanctioning its trade with Hungary even after this was identified as the most probable source of the outbreak. Apparently it feared that halting the imports could invite retaliation against UK poultry exports -- oh yeah, like allowing bird flu to take hold here won't do that. The Government has also said that it is "seriously considering" ordering masks to protect the populace in the event of a human outbreak of the disease. Take your time guys: no hurry.

* the medical profession has been relatively quiet for the moment, but one expert chose the past weekend to deliver a speech warning that the NHS would be overwhelmed if there was an epidemic. He went so far as to suggest that what doctors would need most in that event was a gun, to fend off all of the people demanding treatment. There's a useful role for the medical profession in preparing the country for a possible outbreak, and this isn't it. I think some advance education would be more helpful. For example, turning up looking for Tamiflu at a doctors' waiting room full of flu sufferers might not be the best way of avoiding getting infected. Even more important, it would be good to get people used to the idea that the best use of anti-flu injections would almost certainly be to give them to kids -- who have lower natural immunity and spend their days in each other's company at school, and hence are potential spreaders of the disease -- rather than to seniors who are less likely to come in contact with others. With this in mind I offer the NHS at no charge my bird flu slogan, "Jab a kid, save a granny".

* the media have done their usual job of stoking the flames. The broadcasters have been relatively restrained, but the papers have alternated between slagging off Bernard Matthews and proclaiming the onset of doom. My favourite: the dear old Daily Mail, with "Bird flu may be in our stores". I suppose it may, and with that in mind, I urge any of our feathered friends who may be reading this not to venture into their local Asda for a while.

*Last but not least, the public has shown some signs of reacting to all this hype. Sainsbury's reports a fall in poultry sales, which seems completely unwarranted (I will not be buying any of Mr Matthews products in future, but only because I don't like the way the firm has behaved, not because I think I am going to contract the dreaded lurgi). One couple told the TV news that they had bought a turkey joint the week before the outbreak was confirmed, but just to be safe, they had decided to bin it. Look, there is an infinitesimal chance that the joint had H5N1, but if it did, leaving it uncooked where Fido and the neighbourhood rats can get at it would be an excellent way of propagating the virus.